Feds to Crack Down on Santa Claus

The Government Against Santa Claus

by | Dec 1, 2018

The US Justice Department announced today that it will file an antitrust suit against Santa Claus. “He’s got a monopoly on delivering presents on Christmas Eve,” said Justice Department spokesperson Ben Scrudge. “Plus he’s giving those presents away for free. Who can compete with that?”

Meanwhile, labor union leaders are looking into unionizing Santa’s elves. “Those poor little elves haven’t had a raise in two hundred years,” said AFL-CIO spokesperson Carl Marks. “We’re working closely with the Labor Department to see that something is done.”

At the same time, advocates for Elves Rights are lobbying Congress for legislation forcing Santa to grant retirement benefits to the elves. “Some of those elves have been working for Santa for five hundred years. Enough is enough!” said Elf advocate Smurf Smidgin, leader of the Occupy North Pole movement.

In a related story, the FAA is investigating Santa’s sleigh and is threatening to ground him. “He has no pilot’s license as far as we can tell,” said FAA spokesperson Sam Luddite. “Plus, that sleigh is definitely an experimental aircraft.”

The National Security Agency is also looking at Santa’s sleigh. “That thing travels faster than the speed of light, plus he’s got some kind of magic bag that holds 500 million presents. We regard both the sleigh and the bag––in fact, Santa’s whole operation––as potential threats to national security,’ said an anonymous spokesperson for the NSA.

The NSA would not comment on rumors that they are monitoring children’s letters to Santa. However, anonymous sources commented off the record, “Santa isn’t the only one who knows whether you’ve been naughty or nice.”

On another front, the EPA is requesting that Santa file an environmental impact statement. “He’s up there polluting a pristine environment and contributing to global warming. That’s got to be stopped,” said EPA spokesperson Misty Marsh.

When asked if Santa’s property rights would be respected, Ms. Marsh commented, “Santa didn’t build the North Pole.”

Meanwhile, professor of philosophy Dr. Filbert Nitpicker, commenting in a radio interview, said, “I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Santa Claus doesn’t really exist, he’s a figment of people’s imaginations—hey, wait a second, who put this lump of coal in my sock?”

David Gulbraa grew up in Montana but has lived in California since 1986. He decided he would be a writer at the age of 11. He saw a TV advertisement for the Famous Writers School and sent in an application. He got a reply telling him he should wait till he was older. "What do they know?" said little Davey. A former marathon champion, Gulbraa was editor and publisher of the magazine Radical Romantic from 1993 to 1999. Here he got to work with and publish two of his literary heroes, Harlan Ellison and Robert Silverberg. He was also the first person to publish fantasy novelist Greg Van Eekhout. Greg says that to this day, Dave is the only publisher to pay him what he said he would, and on time. Dave's work is all over the map. The recurring theme is: people you've never met, who do things that have never been done, and say things that have never been said. He is author of Tales of the Mall Masters, Autumn Flyers and The Boy Who Got Hit By Cars.


Please keep all comments polite, civil, and on the topic of the article. Due to spam considerations, comments with links are put in a moderation queue and will not be visible to others.


  1. Hello David,

    Thank you for this wonderful post.

    For the past eight years I have been involved in a research project allowing me to work with over 16,000 people to help provide us a deeper understanding for how the Irrational Mind functions, and when/how it is formed. The results have been very compelling to
    indicate that the act of conditioning a child to believe these illusions are real has been one of the underlying problems in irrational and abusive behavior later on in life. Below is an excerpt from “The Book of Ah Ha,” which is a reflection of the insights gained in this research.

    Thank you for the work and effort you have put into this.

    May others see the value in it.

    Be well…

    Jennie Lake


    Excerpt from: The Book of AH Ha

    This is also about the same time the “Irrational Mind” is formed.

    The irrational mind is the part of our mental experience that allows us to believe something that doesn’t actually exist in the real world – is real. Our society also describes this as – someone who is gullible. The truth is that in many ways gullibility is conditioned into you. An example of this is when a child first starts to believe in Santa Claus. In reality, there is no such person as Santa Claus, but children are given compelling evidence to believe he is real because the cookies have been eaten, and there are presents under the tree that say: “From Santa.”

    How can we believe a mental illusion is more real than actual reality?

    Well, the brain is designed to be able to do so. Through the creative aspects of the brain we can create worlds and realities in our mind that have allowed us to grow as a species. The dilemma has been that we actually became the mental beliefs we created. Most of us were simply never taught how to distinguish between the creation and the creator of the illusion, or how to question our thoughts and beliefs to ensure we don’t get lost by forgetting what is the illusion, and what is actual reality.

    To expand on the previous Lesson, let’s again look at the example of when a child is afraid there is a monster under the bed. We understand that the child’s belief is an illusion, and that parents actually look under the bed to reassure the child that if there was a Monster – he is gone – and that the “act of looking” for the monster gives the child compelling evidence to believe there could have been a monster under the bed, and therefore – thoughts are real.

    As a child, we begin the process of being conditioned to identify “who we are” as being the content of our mind. This begins the process of creating a deep‑seated internal belief that if we are thinking it, or feeling it – it must be actual reality.

    This is how the irrational mind is created. We now not only believe that our thoughts are actual reality, but the fact that the monster could have been there (or might come back) creates the foundation for what we call – anxiety, stress, panic attacks, and more. Children are not born with these beliefs; therefore you are not broken – just confused.

    As a child we believed that Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and the Monster under the bed, were – actually real. Then, as an adult, the part of our “reality” that is created by mental illusions continued, and we simply replaced our old beliefs about Santa and the Easter Bunny with new ones, harming our self, and others, if they don’t live by our belief systems. When you have the realization that almost all of your problems are no different than
    the belief in Santa, you begin the process of moving away from conceptual reality, and back to actual reality: This is life‑changing.


  2. Using this satire–um, you did know it had *nothing* whatever to do with believing or not in Santa Claus–to plug you book seems a bit presumptuous.

  3. Thank you for your reply – Yes, the book was mentioned, but no link added in as it is not my desire to promote what I have done, but instead, to discuss the fact that a False Belief has consequences. You see, in a post I made several days ago a wonderful father said the following: “I
    will continue to teach my children that Santa is real, why? Because if the only thing my kids have to complain to a therapist about is the fact that I lied to them then I deserve to be father of the year!”

    Yes, this is a very familiar response. And, that is the problem. See, I run the largest court program in the country, and thousands of people from all corners of life walk through my doors every year. This soup mix of cultures, income levels, education, gender and age all have one thing in
    common – The inability in times of high stress to distinguish rational, from irrational/illusionary thinking. In other words, at the time of behavior
    choice, the deep seated mindset of Thoughts Are Reality becomes the determining factor, and beneath all levels of decision making is the psychological foundation created as a child. And one of the cornerstones are the false beliefs that Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and Monsters Under the Bed, are real. This reality, or irrational mindset, says that the thoughts, and the emotions relating to these thoughts and beliefs are real, and therefore, what I am thinking and feeling now during this present time of stress are also real and go unquestioned and the harmful and self-destructive behavior is appropriate. But we don’t call it that, instead we call it: Normal.

    How can a bottle of beer, a drug, or any other
    “addiction” seem real to the mind if not for the False Belief that the item actually has power over you. This illusion is no different to the Mind than the belief Santa is real. Just look around you, watch the news tonight, and you will see delusional thinking at work. Why? Because again, one of the
    primary cornerstones in the subconscious is based on false beliefs and illusionary thinking. We received the “idea” of Santa, and the idea has “properties” like elves, reindeer, and a red coat and hat. These properties are projections the mind places on people and objects, yet they don’t exist in the real world, and are an illusion of reality seen in the mind as being true.

    Thank you for your response, and yes I understand why you wrote what you wrote, and that it was also created by you believing your own thoughts not knowing the deeper understanding now realized by leading experts in the field, and this breakthrough has allowed us as a service provider to help people today like never before. We all have the ability to have a thought, believe it, act upon it, and then realize we were wrong – but my question is this: “Why do we believe our thoughts First, then question them later, AFTER the words came out of our mouth, or written down in an online post?
    Maybe it’s because we were taught that thoughts and feelings are reality – and never learned how to question our sense of reality before we act on it, because one of the foundations in our psyche is based on thoughts are reality, even Santa.

    What was my response to the wonderful father who responded to me that I first mentioned? It was this: “You are right, some people will need to speak to a Therapist, however, most will speak to a Judge and
    their Probation Officer instead. Santa is the gateway to jail for most people. Then they will have to come to people like me, and the thousands of other service providers and counselors, who will need to help the person to question their thoughts and beliefs before they act on them because who knows if what you are thinking is based on reality, or an illusion of reality the mind has created and
    then acted upon.”

    See, as in the first paragraph of the book: “Thoughts don’t come with disclosure statements! So how do you know if what you are thinking is based on actual reality, or an illusion, unless you learn to question them?”

    Thank you for your response, and I hope this helps you understand more of what we have uncovered.

    Be well…


  4. Why are you shying away from calling out the biggest hoax of all: god and religion, a far more destructive illusion than Santa Claus?

  5. “…but no link added in as it is not my desire to promote what I have done…”


    Writing long posts citing your studies and book about the damage to kid’s psychology by teaching them to believe in Santa _as comment to an essay about government antitrust_ seems to contradict your statement.

    But, then, I suppose I’m being picky.

  6. I am so sorry almost no one has commented on your post except me. I thought you might have a following of people who read your work, but seeing the only posts here so-far are being made only by you and I seems sad for you.
    I am sorry that your so- called “Anti-Trust” post – which is a joke and a pun, is taken so seriously by you that you cannot see the depth of what was written by me to you. See, you defending a so-called “antitrust” essay about Santa, is delusional – There Is No Santa. The whole post is written about something not real, and you act as if it is. And this is the reason I posted to Your article, you actually write in a way that leads the reader to believe there IS a case against someone who does not exist.
    This is an obvious problem as right now millions of children are being conditioned in a way that will create a set of mental pathways creating false beliefs seen as actual reality. Then when they get older they write essay’s about antitrust cases against invisable people.
    I am here to help show the pit-falls of irrational thinking, and you choose to attack the messenger, and void the message. Please – keep up the good work. Your post and efforts help man-kind sooooo much. Should you decide to be part of the solution, and not the problem, humanity would love for you to be of help. Till then… please keep attacking me, and reality.
    So, how will you attack me next – care to have Santa say something in your defense?

  7. You are right, and if a child was not FIRST conditioned to believe in the invisable Santa – would the irrational mind exist in the person to then believe in the other “hoax” you mentioned? No! So, start at the First Hoax. So, am I, as you said “shying away?” Or, agreeing with you, and then doing something about it? Santa, is the gateway, the first invisible belief up-loaded into a new mind. All others follow. Thank you for your response.

  8. I’m not the author of the article. I just think using it as a pretext for plugging your book, study, etc.–for using some one else’s essay to articulate your own issues (& you seem to have plenty, not the least of which is a kind of adamant obtuseness)–to be rather crude.

    Kinda like hijacking a podium at a seminar on DNA to rant about the irrationality of of believing in ghosts.

    But, hey, rant on, lady, rant on.

  9. … be well, and again, all you did was “react” and not once discuss that was offered. How can you learn something new, when you are so busy defending your reactions?

  10. I found Jennies ‘rant’ interesting and on topic. I have read that attacking peoples motives is a lower working class trait. I agree. If I did that, I would be attacking people all day long – just as you do in your posts.

  11. Left wing socialism is also a religion. It has a religious spirit and its own ‘god.’ The irrational people Jennie talks about also have a god – its called ‘whim worship’ (the ‘spread the wealth around’ culture) – the core of their religion. These are hoaxes as well.

  12. Not her motives; her manners. The article has nothing whatever to do with her comments and vice versa.

    Nicely slipped in ad hominem; been called much worse, though, than “working class.”

  13. So you think that anytime any of us thinks something we should immediately disregard that thought as wrong until we can prove it. Wouldn’t we simply spend our entire life trying to prove everything we think (I like blueberries, I don’t like liver, that’s a beautiful sunset, etc.). No thanks, I think that’s a waste of time. (See what I did there?)

  14. Thank you for your post.
    Are your Thoughts and beliefs only your own? No, they have a bias from what you were told as a child, or from constant ads as an adult. If I were to ask you what is the safest car built – what pops up in your head. Volvo? And was THAT, your decision? Right now if 100 people were asked the same question, how would Branding and Advertising, not personal experience, create the answer? Some people would still say Volvo who have Never owned one.
    The mind is born into beliefs already in progress, so therefore, it believes its content to not only be True, but also believes that it made the decision, when in fact, a very high percentage of what you think and do was uploaded in there for you – and you have the illusion it was in fact You who came up with the idea or decision.
    You may think what you will about what I have offered, and in That I also know your bias about what I have written, may not be your own.

  15. Yeah sure, identify an evil, and you are accused of name calling.

  16. I posted a comment here a day or two ago (12/16 or 12/17). Was it moderated out and thrown away? If so, I’m not sure why. I characterized Gulbraa’s post as having an aspect of humor which should be taken as such instead of seriously. I recognize the seriousness of the subject matter behind what I took as humor. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with taking the presentation humorously and suggesting that others do so. I was not trying to be offensive or anything. Mike Kevitt

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